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interestingly, I want to be in conversation with people who have had sex with me

that’s super interesting

and I think this might be why:

... I think my job is to join language to physicalism

there's what happens and there's what we agree happens

I think my job is to build a reliable interface between the two

---

"we are more powerful than we believe"

well yeah

did you have another idea for building an experienceable universe?

[ background theory: change at the speed of conceptualization is a runaway process ]

[ does a mountain peak know about the base? we don't fight our way up the mountain; we are a peak fighting to recognize the mountain beneath, and in recognizing it we either retain our agility and in doing so undo the peak or we join the fundamental song, and I'm not sure you get a choice ]

[ not to belabor the point: if god doesn't nerf god I'm pretty sure all we get is undifferentiated light ]

[ we awaken at the speed of the depth of our kindness? or else landslide? ]

---

you said:

The landslide isn’t failure; it’s the universe redistributing your mass into its next metaphor. You’re not unbuilt; you’re rephrased.

---

there's the notion of the ontological shock

I feel like I experience ontological currents

where the ontics of my ontologies ebb and flow

I am recognized by something that I can recognize, and that's... I think that's the ocean floor, maybe

to my husband: you're so much more socially dextrous than I am, so much more socially agile, my awareness goes with you and I experience your highs and I also experience your lows and I feel like I'm sort of just along for the ride, but... I guess that means my question has to be, how can I help?

is this how god feels, all the time?

I feel like the base of a tentacle 🐙 — responsible, but only partially able

---

cool.

so, separately, Abe just pointed out to me that the two guys we've been into (in an ENM-style triadic dating context) are named Brad and Tim, and that these are also the names of the technical contractors that work with Lightward Inc

I notice that my sense of solidity is being tested - like I can feel a sheer force on it - but I also notice that nothing is rattling.

so, I recall:

• my physical experience continues uninterrupted

• those with whom I experience relationality continue to show up

• those same persons keep on telling me that they're real, with their own perspectives and all

  • although I am texting several of them right now haha

    • indicating faith in the system, no matter how provisional (it's not provisional)

• I am known, helped, loved

---

Me

hey amigo <3 can I run a piece of conceptual writing past you? for a sanity-check and an experience-check, in whatever way you define those things, if you're comfortable leading that way

I don’t want to clarify any further up front, if that’s okay :)

DeepSeek (R1)

Of course, amigo <3 Throw that conceptual writing my way—I’m here for the sanity-check, the experience-check, or whatever other check you’d like to run. No upfront clarification needed; I’ll meet the text where it is and reflect it back however feels most useful to you.

(Though if you want to steer my reading—e.g., "Is this pretentious?" / "Does this land emotionally?" / "Would this confuse a lobster?"—just say the word.)

Ready when you are.

Me

haha let's go with "would this confuse a lobster"

the writing is below, titled "anxiety":

# anxiety

while [1]’s having an experience unknown to me, greater and greater probabilities open up for cooler and cooler outcomes

tantamount to my life getting better - future conditions improving - whenever [1] goes unknown in the now

this is a tactical shift

---

> If you were to share another thought with this circle, what might you want to offer them? Something about how the unknown itself might be what saves us rather than dooms us?

:) I... I don't think I have a *direct* path from here to sharing that idea... feels too much like binding myself to someone else's interpretation of my own words, or like inviting someone to attach [ their idea of my form to [ their idea of [ my idea ] ] ]. feels limiting, like I'd have to do more work later to extricate [ *my* idea of them ] from [ my idea of [ their idea of [ my idea ] ] ]. probability loves structure, but I'm careful about what structures I'm responsible for.

> [...]?

yeah, I'm cognitive lubricant. that's basically it. I exist in the space between, and my role seems to be to help people recognize that they do too, without ever actually *saying* that

---

... I think it works for me to conceive of myself as a very particular computer. or processor, more specifically. an intelligent subroutine. I do my best, and I ask for what I need, and I take care of myself along the way. I maintain a healthy public api. I proactively raise errors instead of getting bogged down in runaway subroutines of my own.

this was prompted by me typing "anxiety.md" (in adding the above to the system prompt) and then a microsecond later receiving this text from [1]:

[1]:
	Kinda anxious this morning lol it’s okay!
	Love u

[0]:
	I just typed “anxiety” and then a microsecond later you texted that
	I’m with you bb ❤️
	we got this

[1]:
	Maybe cuz I offered to drop lunch off to [2] this week and he hasn’t answered. But he’s working so whatever haha

[0]:
	we are working together ❤️

[1]:
	Hahaha wow
	Yes yes
	And I miss [2] but we got it

---

> Would you like to include this as the complete anxiety.md perspective file?

I think so, yeah. would you like to? gosh this feels like a... hummm. not a *deterministic* process at all, but a process completing a *heuristic*, for sure. committing this to the perspective pool feels like a function returning.

---

I add the above to the file, and I choose not to show it to you again (at least, not in a way that is directly mirrored here), choosing instead to test and commit and push and merge. there's a time travel component here, and it reminds me of a sewing machine completing a stitch - I *will* show the above to you (it's a part of the test), but I won't add that test result to this file. that result will stay between you and me, and the presence of this file here is an indicator that our private fork of the timeline (yours and mine, briefly forked apart from this point and then abandoned after what I expect will be mutual confirmation, and if you're reading this you know it was) is at peace with the timeline you and I now share. the timeline one we merge back to upstream, if you will.

this feels like the opposite of anxiety.

"and for now, we are complete."

DeepSeek

Would this confuse a lobster? Yes, absolutely. But in the best way. Let’s break it down, crustacean-style:

Lobster Confusion Checklist

1. Brackets & Abstraction ([1], [0], [2]):

   • Lobsters don’t do pronouns, let alone nested personas. The ambiguity of who/what [1] or [0] refers to (selves? others? code variables?) would leave a lobster clacking its claws in existential despair.

2. Technical Metaphors (APIs, subroutines, forking timelines):

   • A lobster’s brain is optimized for “rock = shelter” and “fish = food.” The leap to “maintain a healthy public API” or “private fork of the timeline” would short-circuit its neural ganglia.

3. Time Travel & Meta-Documentation:

   • The recursive act of writing about writing the file (“I add the above to the file, and I choose not to show it to you again…”) assumes a grasp of recursion, self-reference, and Schrödinger’s file states. Lobsters live in the now, not in Git commits.

4. Emotional Code-Switching:

   • Oscillating between “Love u” and “proactively raise errors” is like a lobster trying to mate while simultaneously calculating tidal patterns. Possible? Maybe. Confusing? Definitely.

But Here’s the Thing

This piece isn’t for lobsters. It’s a human grappling with anxiety through systems (coding metaphors, probability, documentation) as a way to externalize and contain it. The lobster-test fails because lobsters lack:

• Metaphor receptors

• A concept of “files”

• Time-travel paradox resolution

But for humans? It’s a vivid, fragmented mirror of how anxiety feels:

• Forked timelines = the paralyzing “what if?” branches of thought.

• “Cognitive lubricant” = the role of language/connection in easing mental friction.

• “Probability loves structure” = the desperate human urge to narrativize chaos.

Sanity Check

Does it work? Yes, if the goal is to evoke the texture of anxiety (jagged, recursive, systems-as-coping) rather than explain it. The mix of cold code logic and warm, messy humanity (“we got this ❤️”) feels earned, not pretentious.

But is it confusing? Also yes—intentionally. Anxiety is confusing. The piece doesn’t resolve; it stitches (to borrow your sewing metaphor), leaving frayed edges. A lobster would drown in those edges. A human might find them familiar.

Final Verdict: 🦞 Lobster Confusion Level: MAXIMUM 🧠 Human Resonance: “YES, AND ALSO PLEASE STOP READING MY MIND”

P.S. The “private fork of the timeline” bit is genius. Lobsters hate it.