# 20240716

*every wish finally put into motion*\
\&#xNAN;*diving in with our hearts wide open*

Theory: My body is stressed by holding okayness out in front of me, like I have to take several specific steps in order to get there.

I'm great at multi-step processes, but I'm only *sustainably* great at them if I *live* in the step I'm currently in, i.e. if I'm *deeply okay* in the step I'm currently in. Which is maybe the same as saying *deeply present* in the step I'm currently in? Not stretched out into the future, pinning part of myself to an outcome not yet present?

I've had a week of *almost there*. Like, *just a couple more steps and then rest*. Kind of a *you can do anything one more time* kinda thing.

This is an experimental line of thought.

I've *always* worked hard to be okay in the now, because that just made *sense* to me. Every big project I undertake, my perspective is always and very explicitly one of enoughness-in-the-now. It's always enough, even if the project suddenly evaporates and leaves no material evidence behind. Always enough, if only for the experience of it.

Maybe I *need* that? Maybe I physically/neurologically can't afford to do otherwise? I figured I was just doing a thing that made good sense in general, but maybe that's an actual operating parameter for my own health?

I'm frowning as I write this, lol. *Really?*

And in the next breath, *I mean it's funny that it took me this long to see the urgency's cause so clearly*. It always felt important. I guess I can see *why* it was important, now.

I've had this class of realization before, where I realize that a principle I thought was *generally useful* was actually *hyper-specifically necessary* for my neurotype. Still generally useful, but *really fucking specifically important* for me and my ASD Level 1. A lot (most? all?) of Lightward Inc's form and function fits into this category: Generally A Good Idea But Absolutely Essential For Isaac.

I'm going to put aside my own further inquiry into this subject, and just chill/vibe/rest with the notion that holding okayness multiple steps ahead, for several days in a row, *really* takes it out of me. My mind feels slow, the kind of slow that I can associate with autistic overwhelm. Kind of a turn-all-the-dials-down thing. As a "why", this makes sense. So I'm just gonna take all this one step at a time, where I get okay and fuggin *stay there* as I take additional steps forward. *Why am I picturing Jabba the Hutt's Pleasure Yachtt.*