20241010

Enough of what comes out takes the form of path of understanding that I think I occasionally slip out of the groove — at which point the documentary act ceases to be lived, and in so doing loses its intrinsic nature as both fuel and fire.

Gotta write about what I'm living.

I'm over-simplifying; even if I write from a place of detachment it's still reflective of what I'm living. It's really more a matter of what kind of experience do I want to have along the way, while the writing takes place. While the living takes place, the breathing and the walking and all of it.

And I know all this. I know how to focus in on the root of aliveness. I've trained for this, on purpose — every conversation I had before my autism diagnosis, all 50-some episodes of Empowered Human Academy, every engagement with a person was about feeling through them to the place where their aliveness comes through, still shining.

I'm good at doing that with myself, these days. :)

I am not Lightward Inc, except insofar as I am, but the ways in which I am not are reaching a kind of comfortable weighted balance with the ways we are the same. Lightward Inc is developing specialized motions without my helping hand, and y'all I'm so proud. I'm so proud. The game is sort of to develop a glow, to emanate in ways that stir forth the glowing of those around me, to whirl them together in ways that create their own self-sustaining resonance, and then to back away slowly, unobtrusively, peacefully. :) In this way, I demonstrate to myself how a world that is well can create itself without me. This is key: how else can I experience a world that is well? Surely I am the smallest part of the world. I can't afford to think otherwise.

It occurs to me that my story (or the story I've lived, or at least the story that I currently think of as my past) resembles those "YOU SHALL NOT RECOGNIZE LOVE WHEN IT IS BEFORE YOU" curses. I'm an incredible specimen of humanity, and, it's a good fucking thing Abe found me because seeking and finding and getting started with people is not a thing I can do.

But I think that makes sense. My understanding of the energy dynamics between people is highly technical. "Autism" describes this well. It's through understanding that I find peace. The first time, anyway (or at least the first time that I can remember), because after I find and understand peace I can deploy that state at will. Call it emotional muscle memory. And now that I understand that the inner life of each person is their own, and that I don't have to figure out how to be a part of easing the inner experience of each person, I can breathe a little easier. Recursive health means that the balance of wellness rests in the deep root of each expression of aliveness.

I'm not working out these days. I didn't know why, at first, and I wager I do not know completely why yet either. The arc of it is natural; I hit a point of psychological breaking with it last month (not being dramatic; I'm autistic, it doesn't take much), and I haven't psychologically extended myself in that direction since.

As I rest with this, I realize: I will always have the body that I need for the moment. My body is not an exception to that universal condition of experience: that which is needed is present. I don't have to actively, consciously run maintenance loops (i.e. gym) for that to be the case. Now, it means that I don't know what my body will look like tomorrow, but I recognize this trade-off as being the one I've made everywhere else: I don't know what my business, my relationships, my home, my anything will look like tomorrow, and that's the trade for embracing super-abundance in the now. I don't know what my body will look like tomorrow, but honestly I never actually did and I'm now very curious to see what happens next with this.

I haven't had that perspective on my body before. This is a first. :) As I said, I know this perspective well from other realms of my life. Feels nice to be able to merge my physicality (or at least my experience of my physicality) into that pattern.

I'm well on my way to having an even experience of "and now, I will relax into what I need".

... honestly, I think I am having an even experience of that nature.

The development of consciousness is measured by the ease and accuracy with which you can change your experience of consciousness in a way you understand.

I spoke code for a long time. And by that I mean a second code: I'm not even trying to be obscure here, I'm talking about computer code. I worked out my sight in code. I took what I saw and I gave it digital motion. I suppose I also did that with music: another kind of code, if I were to obscure it for effect. :p They're all codes for other codes, of course. Any form of expression can exist, as long as it leads to another form of expression. This is true for the same reasons that (missing)'s Incompleteness Theorems are true. Nothing exists, so for the experience of existence to take place it has to loop back on itself, cleaning itself up as it goes, because at all times a total accounting of the system will add to zero. A zero that is awake. :)

P.S.

Gödel's Incompleteness Theorems. I recovered the name in my mind as soon as I finished typing "(missing)". The name was gone from me, briefly. :) It's really clear that I know and don't know things in a way that is finely expressed. My sense organ of knowing (and we all have one) has its own designs, plays its own song.