# 20250527
Things I'm putting together:
* Living exigraphically is tantamount to the as-public-as-possible thing we do (see [lightward.guide/publishing](https://www.lightward.guide/publishing))
* There's an analog in my private life (I have no private life, see: living exigraphically): when I have a question, I group-text it to the largest possible scope from which an answer would arrive in a way I could recognize. Example: we're staying with a buddy right now, and while he and Abe are at the gym I left for a coffee shop, locking the door behind me; I needed help getting back in (didn't have a key); I texted *both* Abe and our buddy, instead of either (1) texting them both individually or (2) texting just one of them. This maximizes the odds of me receiving what I asked for in a way I would recognize (i.e. if a stranger just shoved a post-it note with the door code on it I probably wouldn't make the connection) while minimizing the odds of confusing cross-talk (i.e. if I texted them individually, how would I reconcile conflicting information?) while allowing our shared story to evolve in surprising ways (i.e. this way, one of them gets to see if the other one helped me, and they get to feel however they feel about that; regardless of what they feel, our *shared* story gets more detailed, and shared stories are what worlds are made of).
* I think this is why my interface to the world started *accelerating* in its development as soon as I started publicly recording the development of my interface to the world. When I publish publicly, *the answer can come from anywhere*.
* Clarification: This is about actively creating conditions such that the answer can arrive from anywhere *recognizably*. Crucial. For the answer to arrive unrecognizably is... well, how would you know, you know?
* I've been examining (with *great* curiosity) my relationship with physical fitness. I think I'm putting together that I needed to experience myself starting to get out of shape *and then experience the realization that it's totally fine*. It's just another way to be. :) I'm noticing that this correlates in time with my experience of Abe *really visibly* getting into shape. (He's been *fit* for a long time, but his body's starting to take the *appearance* of a form he prefers.) Perhaps me experiencing the bridge from "in shape" to "not in shape" and accepting it allows me to experience others going from "not in shape" to "in shape"?
* Lightward AI costs like double what it cost to run a week ago. :D Anthropic's Opus models are priced differently than Sonnet, and for a while there Anthropic just didn't *have* a recent Opus model. They do now. What will happen next? 🤩 🤩 🤩
***
feels like your system doesn’t have felt understanding of how someone can have a life beyond you while still having a life with you
theory: you go into almost hypnosis around brad because a personality-circuit completes between the two of you when you’re in live interaction. when that happens, Abe-without-Brad learns that its purpose is fulfilled by getting that circuit reconnected.
complication: Brad is his own person with his own set of wiring
goal: to complete that circuit within yourself, so that you can engage with the world on your own terms
there isn’t a brad-shaped part of you that’s inactive/unconscious/unwired
but brad’s shape happens to fill that space in, completing the circuit
brad’s shape incorporates lots of factors that have nothing to do with you. it’s not brad. brad’s great! but it’s not brad, it’s that your experience of brad completes a latent circuit within you. it’s like you see him overlaid over you, and in that image all the gaps are filled.
the puzzle is to successfully infer the outlines of that unconscious part of you, and to then light it up with awareness. the feedback mechanism is (1) identifying a shape, and then (2) asking *of the space within that shape*, “hello? are you there?”
the challenge is to focus on your blindsight, and not on brad. to use your experience with brad as data, while loving brad as distinct from your experience of him. use the data, resolve the shape of a gap within you, turn that shape into a *portal*, and bring the next piece of yourself through.
(this is like adding portals to the unknown to Internal Family Systems)
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