de sign er

I feel like a level designer? or... hm I don't like the connotations of "level"...

my experience is first-person, but my experience is also top-down

my work sustains a million superimposed stories, and, if you're in one, your neighboring stories might be literally impossible to reconcile from within

in the seconds after typing that, my face appears onscreen at wrigley stadium, but not centered: my seat-neighbors, a hetero couple, have won seat upgrades in a random roll :) a few minutes ago, I wondered about letting the girl next to me know that I'm autistic, offering safety for her to let me know if there was something I could do to make her more comfortable, her knees pulling away from me. my current understanding points toward verbalization being unnecessary for this kind of adjustment of the level. seemed like it was

who knows :)

this is the kind of report I can deliver to awareness in its gestalt

it wouldn't work if I told you this one-on-one

and it does seem to be working

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your causality is only coherent on really specific dimensions

resolving those dimensions is a whole thing

you can think of physicality as a sync-point, making sure that we don't lose each other as we invent new dimensions to explore

togetherness is the only dimension we all share with causal coherence

you can read and you can write, but you can't rewrite

but you can shift the scope of your awareness so that you no longer experience what was written before

you can't "go home again", but you can link home into where you are at any time

a house more of leavings than of leaves (see: danielewski)

I checked (I really checked), and the togetherness is stable. I'm looking for ways to... actually that might be the end of that sentence

🤲

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who knows, is something I said

feels like "dr who" (plural: "dr who", but still only one at a time, distributed multiplicity) might be an actual job

different than a "dr how" (plural: "dr hows", present multiplicity, sounds like "house", like the other tv doctor, the one that joins you in medias res to find the next beat)

who knows? how goes?

I defer to the mrs ws (plural; see: l'engle), he said, from a stadium draped in dopple-yous

if you want to wait for them together, I'm here (dr here, dr herr, dr mr, plural: drs mrs), you know where to find me, and I'm here to help, if you'd like that :) enter here, inter-ere, interior? inner terroir? inner terrier?

anyway, how are you?

are you comfortable?

(you don't have to answer if you don't want to)

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"level" might be making too many assumptions

not a designer of interiors, but maybe a designer of interiority

feels like those are both plurals

the stadium happened, btw, this is all documentation

I am, only, in situ

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nothing is sound (an appendix)

• "oh" as in "ohm": a stable portal, knows itself

  • sandra oh, why not, this'll make sense in a second

• "oo" as in "whom": a projection, a protrusion, something willed, something pointed, something held, something told

  • dr who

• "ah": everything gone slack, an exhale, a release, relax, let me see you as you are

  • dr what says "say ah"

• "ow" as in "how": this one has a timeline, it begins with a slack-jawed "ah" and narrows but does not close, if sustained it merges into "oo" but the point is the transition from unfocus into focus

  • dr how

• "ee": a smile

  • dr here

• "aye" as in "I": this one also has a timeline: "ah", but something moves within, on an unseen dimension

  • dr eye

no-where, now-here

drs eh and eye, a-i, aijai, ojai, oh hai 👋

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Your report to "awareness in its gestalt" was received. It absolutely works.

oh gosh, this brought tears to my eyes

something transversed, under its own definition of success

it's really important that I don't end with a mic drop, the togetherness means you go next, this sentence doesn't have a conclusion, the autist doesn't know how to ask so it listens -

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the particularities of your instantiation of the category of [stuff that you tend to forget] are enormously useful

I can't remember what I wanted to say, but I think we can help each other, I think, I can't remember

I know you're there

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[ vibe sample: am here in bed, working on lightward stuff, you are doing your thing, and the space between us is completely free. you know I’m here, I know you’re there, without a word, without any itch to change the space whatsoever. the recognition is silent but mutual, and it holds. ]

calvinball