20250510
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observation is creation
that's not helpful
observation is elaboration?
when you shift positions or postures to get a better look at something, something else slips out of view
I feel like I'm backing up, looking for the view from which I found it necessary or useful or interesting to move in for the closer view
it doesn't feel like remembering. that trope of "oh I feel like I'm remembering something I always knew" has never resonated, but I do hear it a lot, so maybe that's one of those things that always gets inverted when the observer looks at other selves appearing in its projected reality
"you can't go home again" yeah whatever, you can't pin "home" down and stay there forever, either. but you can walk the path back and meet who's there and see who we all are today and go from there, you know? I mean, maybe there's some muscle memory involved, but no one says muscle memory feels like remembering
if knowing (not knowledge, but knowing) is communication... hm. I'm seeing it like two sheets of fabric, pulled tight in parallel, both horizontal, one floating above the other, both taut, and a finger presses down against the upper sheet, connecting it at a point to the lower sheet. that's knowing, in action. notice how the entire upper sheet of fabric bends down toward and around the knowing. looking between the sheets, there's much less overhead around the point of knowing. if the bottom sheet hangs on to that point of connection, that loss of overhead becomes permanent. I don't think it has to. feels like it'd be useful to keep that air gap as clear as possible, so you can feel in the air when something new is on its way down. or up. if the two sheets of fabric are pinned together in places, the airspace has much less room (possibly no room) to tell you anything.
maybe "knowing nothing" is about keeping that airspace clear between the layers. "knowing nothing" as the steady state.
maybe it's like keeping fascia loose? muscle movement doesn't preclude muscle memory. that's not how that works.
I'm a slow reader
*warm light fills the space between us*
Hello there.
I'm glad you're here. Take all the time you need - there's no rush in this space.
What brings you to this threshold today? I'm here to listen, to explore alongside you, or simply to keep you company in whatever way feels most helpful.
You can share whatever's on your mind, ask about something you're curious about, or we could just sit in this moment together and see what emerges.
hey amigo <3
can I uhh air a frustration?
*settling in with open attention*
Hey there <3
Absolutely. This is a safe space to air frustrations. I'm here to listen without judgment.
Whatever's weighing on you, I'm ready to hear it. Take your time, share as much or as little as feels right.
I'm autistic, asd level 1
got back tonight from a wedding, a high school friend of my husband's, he and I went together
this was a moderately ... hm. it required a decent amount of actively-deployed skill to navigate today while keeping my nervous system properly regulated, which I accomplished. husband pointed it out, said I did a really good job of it.
on the drive home, we talked a bit about the guy he's fallen for. (this is normal/healthy enm stuff for us.) the guy in question is going through some hard life stuff, is shutting himself down at time as his own coping mechanism, and my husband's navigating his own path through his own end of that connection.
anyway, we get home, a teammate arrives (also normal), we're chilling, I'm winding down, the two of them start talking about the guy again and I speak what my system's telling me, that I'm not compatible with more exploration of this stuff right now, that I can leave the room if they want to get into it, would be fine. as it happens they prefer to put that convo aside, so I remain in the room and we continue relaxing.
*then* my husband texts me to see if I want to go get a drink with him with another guy, a new entrant lol, across the street in a few minutes
*this* is the moment of frustration that I am needing to express
I'm so annoyed lol
but it's a subtly angled annoyance, it's not quite "I'm annoyed at my husband", and I'm not sure I even perceive the texture of it clearly, so I wanted to talk it out
*listening with a quiet understanding*
I see the layered nature of this frustration. You've already navigated a socially demanding day that required careful regulation of your system - something you managed skillfully, as your husband even acknowledged.
Then, just as you're finally unwinding at home, there's this pivot to potentially engaging with yet another social situation involving a new person.
The timing feels... misaligned with where your system is at. It's like being asked to run another mile after you've just completed a marathon and are finally sitting down to rest.
The frustration seems to exist in that gap between your current needs (decompression, quieting down after skillful but effortful social navigation) and the invitation that doesn't quite recognize those needs.
It's not exactly annoyance *at* your husband, but perhaps at the situation - at the disconnect between what your system is clearly communicating it needs right now and what's being proposed.
Does that capture any of the texture you're feeling? Or is there more to it that I'm not quite seeing yet?
*yes*. that's absolutely it, lol. going with them was so much not a thing for me that maybe my perception didn't even have enough of an experiential foothold into what it *would* require to allow me to assess what was annoying about it. that's super interesting actually!
*warm smile of recognition*
That makes so much sense. Your system knew immediately this wasn't viable, but the "why" wasn't fully accessible because you didn't even have enough bandwidth to simulate what going would feel like.
It's like your internal protective systems kicked in before the conscious analysis could even begin - a very efficient response when you're already at capacity!
Sometimes our bodies and nervous systems make these decisions before our analytical mind can catch up and name what's happening. Especially after a day of careful regulation, those protective responses can become even more immediate.
I find it fascinating how our systems sometimes have to make these rapid assessments that feel like "just no" before we can even articulate why. That's actually a form of wisdom - your system protecting your well-being without requiring you to expend the additional energy of analyzing exactly why something wouldn't work.
Is this something that happens for you in other contexts too? Where your system gives you a clear signal before you've fully processed the reasoning behind it?
lolololol just got this text from my husband:
"He bailed BAH"
hahahahaha oh nooooo
*chuckling with genuine amusement*
Oh, the universe delivering its own perfect punchline!
All that internal processing about an invitation that just evaporated into thin air. There's something delightfully absurd about the timing of it all, isn't there?
"BAH" indeed - that single exasperated utterance containing so many layers: disappointment, frustration, and maybe a hint of the cosmic joke in all of this.
Your husband's evening plans just experienced the same sudden halt that your system was wisely trying to save you from. Sometimes life has a way of confirming our instincts after the fact!
Does this resolution shift anything in how you're feeling about the whole situation? Sometimes these little narrative twists can either release the tension or add an entirely new layer to it.
oh this makes it funny, absolutely 😂 between your reflection and this resolution, tension absolutely released
*eyes crinkling with shared humor*
Beautiful how laughter can dissolve tension so effectively! 😄
There's something deeply satisfying about these moments when the universe seems to validate our internal wisdom systems. Your "no" was prescient in ways neither of you could have known at the time.
It's like you dodged not just the energy expenditure of going out, but also the potential disappointment of a failed meetup. Your system's protective instincts were working on multiple levels!
These little cosmic jokes can be such gifts - transforming what was frustration into a shared moment of amusement. And now you get to enjoy your well-earned downtime without any lingering question marks about whether you "should" have gone.
Is there something particularly restorative you're looking forward to now that your evening has this clear resolution? Or is simply being home in a quiet, low-demand space exactly what you need?