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I just figured out that "it's not worth making my day worse" is a viable reason to opt in or out of stuff. :D :D I've known forever that I'm fully capable of recovering/relaxing/generally-being-okay if I'm by myself. I'm very very very good at tuning my experience when I'm alone. historically I've just taken all of that off the table when I'm around other people. I know I can survive most things, and I don't know what other people can/can't survive, so the "safer" move has always been to focus completely on what the group needs or wants (or on what the least able persons need or want), saving my own recovery/relaxation/being-okayness for later. @abelopez introduced me to the word "disregulation" a few months ago: "an inability to control or regulate one's emotional responses". I've worked very hard to contain and hide my disregulation in group contexts, lest I interfere with everyone else's experience. (bless Abe for dealing with it with me in private. sorry boo. and thank you. β€οΈβ€πŸ©Ή 🌱) over the last couple weeks I've been finding utility in the line "[x] isn't worth me getting disregulated", because most things aren't. I can shoulder through most things, but now that we're openly talking about my emotional disregulation and how it gets triggered in me, it's pretty clear that most things aren't worth pushing me into that territory. TODAY, that line evolved on my lips, and became "it's not worth making my day worse". it took me an extra decade to figure out I was gay. I'm 34 now, and apparently it's taken me an extra 3 decades to figure out that most things aren't worth making my day worse. it genuinely didn't occur to me until now.* I am very very very very much looking forward to experimenting with this. :D --- * it seems like I have autism (which would explain that lag in discovery). I have a preliminary (but firmly delivered lol) diagnosis from my therapist, and I'm waiting on a differential diagnosis from a neuropsychologist, due later this week.

Originally posted on Instagram

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