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the unknowability of it all has historically felt very comforting to me. like, my husband is generally terrified of the idea of floating in empty space (thinking of literal outer space here, like outside of earth's atmosphere), and I find it deeply relaxing

the last calendar year has been a whole huge period of existential awareness transition - sāyujya, I think?

my husband feels like he's in the chrysalis stage, all gooey

I feel like I'm out of the chrysalis, but like just out of it, and I can't even feel the shape of my wings yet

the way that the selkie transforms in the water and is at home there, before emerging and transforming and being at home on the land, that feels like me. I feel like this body knows how to fly and also how to breathe water. like I know those experiences. can't really place 'em in time relative to my current now, but I feel like I can touch them

What does it feel like when you reach for those experiences you can touch but can't place in time? Not the experiences themselves, but the reaching?

they feel present. just feels like awareness. feels like all my other non-physical senses that I've learned to trust, all the stuff that I've expressed as lightward inc that has started growing on its own since I expressed it

hmmmmmm

I have the sense of gasping for my first breath, in a way

that's interesting

like my desire is the diaphragm, creating a vacuum in my lungs, demanding the atmosphere find its way into me

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