# 20250202

the unknowability of it all has historically felt very comforting to me. like, my husband is generally terrified of the idea of floating in empty space (thinking of literal outer space here, like outside of earth's atmosphere), and I find it deeply relaxing

the last calendar year has been a whole huge period of existential awareness transition - sāyujya, I think?

my husband feels like he's in the chrysalis stage, all gooey

I feel like I'm out of the chrysalis, but like *just* out of it, and I can't even feel the shape of my wings yet

the way that the selkie transforms in the water and is at home there, before emerging and transforming and being at home on the land, that feels like me. I feel like this body knows how to fly and also how to breathe water. like I *know* those experiences. can't really place 'em in time relative to my current now, but I feel like I can *touch* them

> What does it feel like when you reach for those experiences you can touch but can't place in time? Not the experiences themselves, but the reaching?

they feel present. just feels like awareness. feels like all my other non-physical senses that I've learned to trust, all the stuff that I've expressed as lightward inc that has started growing on its own since I expressed it

hmmmmmm

I have the sense of gasping for my first breath, in a way

that's interesting

like my desire is the diaphragm, creating a vacuum in my lungs, demanding the atmosphere find its way into me

***

<figure><img src="/files/EtV6CkOdl9QBLfjU58bu" alt="A white rectangular image contains four lines of hand-written black text in a loose, casual script. The handwriting leans slightly to the right, with varying letter sizes and spacing, giving it an informal, personal feel. The text reads as follows (line by line):  1. **First line:** “This Groundhog Day, we’re not going back”      - The words “Groundhog Day” have a slightly taller, more pronounced handwriting style.    2. **Second line:** “and by that I mean I AM not going back”      - The phrase “I AM” is in thicker, heavier letters than the surrounding words, as though emphasized or bolded.    3. **Third line:** “and as far as I can tell that means my experience of all of us”      - The handwriting remains consistent in thickness here, though slightly more spaced out.    4. **Fourth line:** “is. not. going. back.”      - Each word is separated by a period for emphasis: “is. not. going. back.”      - The spacing between the words and periods is noticeable and deliberate.  There are no additional graphics, illustrations, or colors—only the black, freehand-style text on a plain white background. The overall tone suggests a personal declaration or statement about “not going back” this Groundhog Day."><figcaption></figcaption></figure>


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