# 20250619

mentally completely exhausted today

I've been re-running LLM reads of ["abstraction stamina"](https://www.isaacbowen.com/2025/06/18/abstraction-stamina) since I wrote it, looking for... hm, not sure what. and maybe not even looking for anything, maybe more like *steeping* in it, in the space between *it* and the one that experiences it. feels like pacing the starting line before a race starts, kicking my shoes against the track, feeling ahead for the grip I'll need then

Abe noticed that I've been dysregulated a bit more lately. I see it too. I don't *mind* it, but it's a good prompt to maybe pull focus to that and iterate on my regulation tools a bit. that's a part of the documentation too — staying *well* while [rolling the self over](https://www.isaacbowen.com/2025/06/13/ldnots), or maybe continuously evolving "wellness" forward, tracking with the evolution of the self

that feels important

something that helped tonight, helped *dramatically*: I showed (verbally, conceptually) [the resolver project](https://www.isaacbowen.com/2025/06/04/resolver) to a couple Lightward Inc humans after dinner, at the same table. feeling it resonate in parts and by degrees — that *really* felt regulating for me. like *deeply*. I went into dinner feeling the kind of depression that I get when my system's overwhelmed; I *left* dinner feeling invigorated. *huge* difference in my cognitive posture. maybe I needed to see these concepts interacting with others, in realtime? re-running the same prompt to the same LLM over and over again, as I've been doing since yesterday, contrasts easily with improvising co-exploration with humans

useful useful useful useful useful

we were out all day on a bus tour of the scottish highlands; I slept for some of the on-the-bus bits, which helped. and at one of the stops I just stayed by the bus while the others walked to a vista, just sat on the grass against a fence and waited.

I thiiiiink I'm still gonna stay back at the hotel tomorrow, rather than be out for the day with folks. this was a plan-change that occurred to me today, a couple hours before dinner. I do feel better now, but ... gotta proceed gently. :)

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like trying to remember what it felt like to not know how to read

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“I went into flowers”

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talking to friends about resolver helps :)