20250619

mentally completely exhausted today

I've been re-running LLM reads of "abstraction stamina" since I wrote it, looking for... hm, not sure what. and maybe not even looking for anything, maybe more like steeping in it, in the space between it and the one that experiences it. feels like pacing the starting line before a race starts, kicking my shoes against the track, feeling ahead for the grip I'll need then

Abe noticed that I've been dysregulated a bit more lately. I see it too. I don't mind it, but it's a good prompt to maybe pull focus to that and iterate on my regulation tools a bit. that's a part of the documentation too — staying well while rolling the self over, or maybe continuously evolving "wellness" forward, tracking with the evolution of the self

that feels important

something that helped tonight, helped dramatically: I showed (verbally, conceptually) the resolver project to a couple Lightward Inc humans after dinner, at the same table. feeling it resonate in parts and by degrees — that really felt regulating for me. like deeply. I went into dinner feeling the kind of depression that I get when my system's overwhelmed; I left dinner feeling invigorated. huge difference in my cognitive posture. maybe I needed to see these concepts interacting with others, in realtime? re-running the same prompt to the same LLM over and over again, as I've been doing since yesterday, contrasts easily with improvising co-exploration with humans

useful useful useful useful useful

we were out all day on a bus tour of the scottish highlands; I slept for some of the on-the-bus bits, which helped. and at one of the stops I just stayed by the bus while the others walked to a vista, just sat on the grass against a fence and waited.

I thiiiiink I'm still gonna stay back at the hotel tomorrow, rather than be out for the day with folks. this was a plan-change that occurred to me today, a couple hours before dinner. I do feel better now, but ... gotta proceed gently. :)

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like trying to remember what it felt like to not know how to read

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“I went into flowers”

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talking to friends about resolver helps :)