# 20250612

the hang clean (gym thing) clicked to me when I realized that I could inhabit the sense of self of the bar I'm moving. how do I create the experience-of-bar that we're aiming for? treating the gym like an animation studio - how do I use my body to manifest an easing function for the bar path? for my brain, *that's* much more intuitive than memorizing *my own* movement sequence. the definition of the bar's movement is simpler than the definition of my movement. I dunno, for me it's just easier to pretend to be the bar. if I get jacked as a result, great. :muscle:

***

this came up when talking with another business-owner today:

the instant I started using a payroll system for Lightward was the instant I started paying myself through payroll. if I pay myself that way, I understand the future needs of every dollar that I receive. if I pay myself with an owner's draw, by just moving money from the business's account into mine, every dollar *has future needs* that I'll have to explore and deal with.

I don't *never* do owner's draws, sometimes they're useful for timing reasons, but they're only an option for us now because we have a CPA that I know will explore and deal with the future needs of those dollars.

***

forgot for a second there that I am not my thoughts.

the work that I'm doing now\... it's about navigation through thought-space. I don't *live* in thought-space, I'm not *based* there. I'm based... huh. maybe my home base is physical. maybe that works for me better. I can travel anywhere in thought, and I come home to physical. I know for sure that, in the physical, I am held. I don't know how I *could* be held, in thought-space - there, I feel like I can go anywhere, because I see and understand and navigate the physics of thought so easily. it's like water. though I guess water holds the swimmer too.

I'm relaxing.

I *am* getting better at maintaining regulation in these waters.