Right, let me explain a few things. Not because they beg explanation, but because .. okay, partly because I've ended up working with people who are a bit confused by my less than typical approach to things and it's not worth the time to explain all of this to them, but I feel like I need to have it articulated in my head so that /I/, at least, know where I'm coming from.


First off. I do not have the right to hurt anyone, bring anyone else down. This seems like a no-brainer, but it's not insignificant.

Secondly (and conversely), I'm fairly convinced of my own insignificance. This is in an absolute sense, and yeah, you also are fairly insignificant. However, everything's relative, and I'm fully cognizant that if all individuals adopt this mindset society will erode. Therefore, carry on.

Third. When I say I have no opinion, I have no opinion. "But everyone has an opinion," one of you has countered. Not so, and this follows from point number one. If you actually believe that (1) your opinion is insignificant and (2) that you are wholly unqualified to render an accurate judgment, you will find yourself neutral on quite a lot of subjects. ... That said, carry on with your own opinions and such for the same reasons as before.

Fourth. I have no romantic/sexual goals. Please understand that I do not play the whole casual-pursuit-of-the-other-gender game, nor do I dream of some sort of idyllic, meaningful relationship down the road. Not happening. I do not intend to change this.

Fifth. The world is a bloody depressing place from here. But, as I have no interest in dragging anyone else down with me (see number one), I don't agonize. I will not be that emo kid, for one thing. Irony is that most of my genuine emotions are not so positive, but - those are staying here.

Lastly, and this is important. I don't believe that what I have to offer as a person is very valuable to any other given person, and that there are equal or greater odds of someone, anyone else having something better to offer in a relationship. (Badly/inaccurately phrased, but you get the idea.) Recognizing that most people feel slightly more optimistic about themselves, it makes sense to bow out of the picture whenever possible and let the more eager individuals play humanity.

.. The people who might read this probably know all of this. You are the exception case that I'm not sure how to handle. I feel like, had we never met, your life would have gone on and you'd have found other friends, and you'd be fine. One fewer depressed bastard darkening your alloted lifetime. However, if you're reading this, you're not a relationship that I can terminate without hurting you. Not an option.

Not that I want to, not at all. There are precious few people that I need and love, love such that they can reciprocate. You can't love someone unless you know how deep their mind and soul runs, and given that I try to keep my crap under lock and key... well. Everyone's insane, everyone's a psychosocial mess, I know this. But people need people, and despite being a slightly less optimal human, if I'm not /needed/ on some level, I don't have a reason to live.

That and the people who might read this are pretty awesome. No sense making this about me, the odds are good that you're a fairly stellar individual.

Conundrum is that I can't hold up my end of a healthy relationship without undoing all of the above. One, I wouldn't know how to begin, two, a nontrivial chunk of my personality is derived directly from all of that crap. I don't know who I'd be.

So basically, in order to maintain some semblance of function in this world, I'm staying numb and not thinking about this as much as possible. Seems like the only plausible option just now.


That's all.