I'm careful about how I describe things -- all things. For years, I've taken note when I hear things like "I'm so bad at this", or "this always happens to me". Anything descriptive, conjugated in the present tense. Examples like those feel strange, like a spell almost compulsively spoken, giving their contents a stronger and stronger foothold in the now.

I get why statements like that are used. There's a sort of invulnerability in declaring permanent vulnerability. If I always know "this" happens to me, then maybe it won't hurt so badly the next time it does. And, too, there's the whole external image thing: maybe you won't judge me so intensely if you can see that I'm at least aware of this unfortunate thing.

It really is self-reinforcing. That's not a bad thing -- it can be powerful to build with self-reinforcing components. (It's how I build Lightward.) Just gotta be selective. A couple weeks ago I decided I was fantastically lucky, and I've just been internally self-describing that way since then. Whenever something surprisingly good happens, I go, "oh, of course -- this always happens to me, because I'm fantastically lucky". *shrug*

I'm currently working myself free from self-descriptions of loner/reject/perma-unrequited-interest-whatever. Those terms describe past seasons of my life, enough seasons to have weight, butttttttttttt you know, no. The past doesn't have any weight apart from that which we bring into the present. Those seasons had weight. Whatever I'm working through right now is a process of flushing out what remains.

It has been rare for my interest in someone to be matched by their interest in me. It has felt risky for me to express to someone my interest in them.

My autism diagnosis has freed me here, somewhat: now that I know I'm less capable at social navigation and posturing and interpretation, I kinda don't give a fuck anymore. It was powerful to find out that my conscious modulation of my social affect always sucked. If I can't temper/tune the way I show up as effectively as everyone else, I might as well just clumsily show up fully transparent, fully authentic, and let anyone who's into that show themselves.

I avoided rejection for years by just not communicating my interest. I avoided creating feelings of rejection in others by being interested in everyone. This created some imbalance, lol. I am learning better balance in this from Abe. He is a spectacular source of sample data here (all sample data is biased; I am choosing my biases), and truly an inspiration.

And (deep breath) I am feeling my feelings and letting them express and pass, whenever I encounter a social dead end along the way. I aim to be good at this. I'm an explorer, and not every alley or doorway I find has something worth lingering for. I know that. I keep exploring, because obviously. I aim to bring this pattern over to my social behaviors. Why not, you know? Not everything works, but that's not the point. Feels like this universe wants things to work, and to me the evidence is everywhere. I am fantastically lucky, after all.

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