# 20210409 I think I just want to *understand*. I think that’s part of what Lightward *is*, for me: my quest to understand *how this all works*. To understand how to make something good ([*oh*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuMz4v5PYKc)), to try out the things I’m beginning to understand ([🏎](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmFtSQBMRmQ)), to slowly develop an elementary mastery ([*rising in my head*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfnRTifSWh0)), to see what can only be seen ([*seen*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOIe7sU9KAg)) once you’ve gained the ground ([*here we are*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDzsqwkAP5A)), and to then try, *try*, to understand *that* ([*never/always*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mTRvJ9fugM)). *** ## I do not need to go to a place of suffering to gain permission to change what I’m doing.

This is a plate of salmon. You’re seeing it because we’ve spent the last week living and breathing @whole30recipes. Please enjoy. 😘

Second-shot symptoms. Good things, honestly. I was up at 3am, starting to feel the onset, and I became aware of this thought I was having: *kinda hope that this hits me in a serious enough way that I can justify stepping away from everything for a day*. SUPER FUCKING HAPPY I caught that thought as it was passing by. Hear me (and I’m talking to myself here, but you can listen in if it’s useful): IF AN ATTRIBUTE OF ILLNESS LOOKS ATTRACTIVE THERE IS SOMETHING TO EXAMINE. Life is in a constant state of approaching balance, tipping over the equilibrium, and re-approaching balance from the other direction. I am a tad out of balance. Not hugely, but enough to want something to change. And it’s clear that part of my hesitance to change has something to do with external perception, because I found myself half-hoping that I would fall into circumstances (i.e. obvious illness) that others would respect enough to find my absence justified. Not useful. Temporarily, maybe, as a path to better ends, but that’s not a *necessary* path. If I want a change, I don’t have to go to a place of suffering to justify it.—to *anyone*, be they an external observer or *myself*. I’m feeling much better today. My brain is more aligned, I’m having a much easier time seeing the good, feeling the next step. I know I have some things to change. And, happily, I know that I have access to that change *directly*. There’s no pain-toll, except that which I create for myself, and I *decline*. *** [*and then there’s this, lol*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGHxXw7Qcs8) {% hint style="info" %} Originally sent out [via email](https://lightward.com/campaigns/view-campaign/ZUQyFwIJcLXSeJNB7HOX0ZxlKQDfbNFIiuvE6_-WedoP6SBn72nl_USmTgtMhPXKgOriecH5b6R7YVTUo2eKq_51Y5z-ZhIB) {% endhint %} --- # Agent Instructions: Querying This Documentation If you need additional information that is not directly available in this page, you can query the documentation dynamically by asking a question. Perform an HTTP GET request on the current page URL with the `ask` query parameter: ``` GET https://www.isaacbowen.com/2021/04/09.md?ask= ``` The question should be specific, self-contained, and written in natural language. The response will contain a direct answer to the question and relevant excerpts and sources from the documentation. Use this mechanism when the answer is not explicitly present in the current page, you need clarification or additional context, or you want to retrieve related documentation sections.