A quick aside: the pattern seems to be that it's best for me to start my day exploring, via text, and avoiding personally experiencing social interaction (either directly, e.g. on my phone or something, or indirectly, e.g. by thinking about a complicated relationship I have to someone, or by reading an account that evokes a disregulating social experience in my mind). I'm giving more words to the thing to avoid here, but I think both pieces here are equally important. Exploring through a book lets me start my day with pre-paved navigation. I don't have to make any choices, I just get to follow along as someone shows me what they found. (I think for some or maybe most people the word "exploring" has more agency to it, but for me "exploring" always has this sense of following a path, or a call, or a sort of meta-guide suggested by the total composite of all around me. "What will happen next?" always has an answer, including the times when that question is applied to my own next steps. I'm always eager to find out.)


lol I've gone and forgotten the thing I was actually sitting down to put down. uhh.....

I'm moving backwards through my thoughts to try and locate it. I'm also experimenting with calling out to it, treating it like it has its own agency (because honestly I think it does), inviting it to come over and join me again, if it would. I'm tempted to entreat it so, but I know that intensity of request sets up a flavor of interaction that neither of us are interested in.

It was about something old, in my life -- an idea that I've been working with for a long time. Something so familiar as the air I breathe, the same class of familiarity that means I'm not constantly thinking of air. I was (am!) excited to get a reference to this idea back, because I haven't thought of it in a while, but I remember moments ago clocking that oh yes this is an important part of how I move and how lovely to have this awareness again! lol and now it's gone and moved on. Hmmmm.

I mean, this is useful. In writing this down, you-the-reader-i.e.-probably-Rebekah get to see more of how I work with thought and concept and memory. Nothing is lost, everything gets used. :)

I am inquiring of the objects around me, asking of their souls, hey did any of you catch that? do any of you know where that idea went? my brain doesn't do the thing where it "remembers" this kind of thing well, it's like I have trouble with faces the first few times. could you please help? but like .. if you want? maybe that's it, do any of you want to help? I'm having trouble finding the right tone, not just in recording the thoughts here but as I form the questions to "send" out here. Asking for help has always felt weird for me; I'm much more eager to do a quick survey for already-interested potential collaborators. So maybe this ought to be less about sending out this invitation and more of a pause to see if anyone around me is already eager to help. (I do find that this is often the case.)

Yeah it was definitely a first-principles kind of thing. I'm excited! lol without having any idea currently what it was, I'm excited! I love fundamental principles. I specifically love the sensation of having out at a certain level of thought, and then finding an idea that I discover actually belongs further down -- like seeing the bedrock briefly exposed in a place where the soil is thin. Like, "oh, this idea that I arrived at actually underpins this whole thing!" This was one of those, and I would very much like to touch it again, lol.

Heading to the gym, am bringing my tablet with me in case I happen upon it there.


from mid-workout, surrounded by gear and covered in sweat

lolol I am an all-perceiving goldfish

no past, no future, but oh the present is glory

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