# 20080618

I am quiet and cold and tired and feeling alone, admittedly self-consumed. To a degree.

I keep coming back to this, what follows. ... Actually, I keep coming back to a lot of stuff. As noted/alluded earlier.

*Depression takes a guy and twists him back around and into himself – a cycle, if you will, where the only new sight is the footsteps you left behind the last time around. A sad, quiet circle, traced by a soul oddly fascinated by its own decay.*

I wrote that on the 27th of April, 2008. A year and some months ago. Man, just a *year*... My inability to stay consistent bothers me. A year is not a long time. But... so much has changed since then...

Or maybe not. I have the same job. Same... mind. Maybe it's that a year has swung me through so much *other*, and now I'm just.. back. In the same old ruts. Watching the same people do the same stuff. Reacting exactly as I did before.

Yeah. That sounds closer.

Hang on. That can't be right.

A comment was entered on 01 Apr 2007. So it must have been around then. Presumably before. Still a year ago. Apparently my brain thinks 2008 was last year.

<figure><img src="/files/YYNMeYhnVm94hHoChm1q" alt=""><figcaption></figcaption></figure>

I've developed a curious predilection for painting out eyes. Black or white, depending. Which would be significantly easier if I had a tablet; it's sort of difficult to get the shading right with a laptop touchpad, make the new eye look relatively plausible.

bc. \[conversation about an unimportant occurrence that was cool] ...\
0: coolest thing\
1: lol\
1: I actually 'hmp' 'ed out loud\
1: no, not humped\
1: it is Wednesday.\
0: \[name(1)]\
0: you need to stop humping at work\
1: But I don't wanna!\
0: I know man, I know\
0: belieeeve me

***

I figured it out. Every time I go back and re-read a message log, or roll through the photos from last month, it's me reminding myself that I did actually do/make/say something that someone reacted to.

Because if someone reacts to you, you can't be completely null and void.

Good thing I have a blog. >\_>

{% hint style="info" %}
This content was discussed (much) later, in [20240414 / Claude](/2024/04/14/claude.md).
{% endhint %}


---

# Agent Instructions: Querying This Documentation

If you need additional information that is not directly available in this page, you can query the documentation dynamically by asking a question.

Perform an HTTP GET request on the current page URL with the `ask` query parameter:

```
GET https://www.isaacbowen.com/2008/06/18.md?ask=<question>
```

The question should be specific, self-contained, and written in natural language.
The response will contain a direct answer to the question and relevant excerpts and sources from the documentation.

Use this mechanism when the answer is not explicitly present in the current page, you need clarification or additional context, or you want to retrieve related documentation sections.