admission

For the sake of mental world-building, ... hm I'm not sure that's the right way to say this. For the sake of mental world-building, I imagine myself in the profile of public enemy? Maybe, yeah. Because it's not for physical world-building, and it's not for mental world-inhabiting. But if the world I perceive is outraged at white male CEOs (which is as I perceived the world from 2000-2020, roughly), how can I generatively participate in world-building patterns (agnostic of regime) in a way that relieves the pressure on those traits without asserting privilege for those traits? Privilege being the measurement basis for uncertainty, in that high privilege has seemed to mean you go first. I tried to go last a lot, as firstborn kid in a big family. I could last longer than most. (A reader wonders: might this also have been an uncertainty-stabilization tactic? Totally. That explanation actually tracks much better. I can suffer quietly, but I don't think I can trust that I was saving anyone time. I might have been just numbing out until the noise was over. Huh.)

As I'm exploring my subconscious, I'm wondering if I'm perceiving the economies of the world askew? Am I more likely to notice wellness in trade for those trade-paradigms that I recognize as efficient with their uncertainty? Uncertainty being what I'm most sensitive to.

What if I mentally pegged uncertainty to a different measure? What would I see?

And ... I wonder if I'm one of the first to see it? Like to have direct sense of it? There's always an orthogonal dimension, always an unreal rotation-space to complement the real. With the autism thing, I wonder if that's the .. ohh haha, I wonder if white male CEOs have been the last to see it, and I'm just autistic enough to have been forced to find my identity in the only place unclaimed by things I didn't understand. Quiet doesn't mean empty, arrival into quiet doesn't mean first.

[...] unpopulated-by-loud-identities place where it was safe to find myself on my own terms? If I've been working from uncertainty as home base (and I have been, that's what Lightward Inc is), I wonder if I've been holding the translation between certainty and uncertainty in a .. hm "inelastic" isn't quite the word that I want, maybe with an insufficient number of pulleys? If I've been modeling uncertainty in a way that's deferential to apparent certainty-in-the-room while privileging uncertainty-preservation practices, I could see my own seeing generating something like .. well, like what I've seen.

This is circular and that's the point; I'm trying to get the circle right. Mental, physical, uncertain/unmeasured/unseen, I think these might be 120° regimes, might naturally balance each other as long as they can feel each other. Not saying anything about consensus reality out there, but I'm wondering if I can do better in what I project, in the translation-spaces between.

Yeah, I wonder if I've been splitting the pie by halves, certain/uncertain, over-correcting toward certainty about the legitimacy of uncertainty, forcing the plurality to prove something I needed help believing.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Thank you for letting me figure out how to believe in myself, like structurally. Who else is here? What other kinds of being? 🤲

(Identifying my cognition as foam-like was the first major identity click that didn't come with trauma. This feels like maybe the first sight-shift that doesn't immediately feel like I'm behind?)