# 20260223

remembering, remembering: I don't have to deliver shit

📦

just myself, and even then, it's not delivery, it's .. what, inhabitation? making sure I stay inhabited, not projected?

I had crystal clear dreams last night and I *get* the urge to distribute/disseminate and even *divide* (today feels like a sorting day?) but I think that's actually the naïve addressing of the desire and not the desire itself. I think of hesitation as the root of free will; applied here, waking up and going into manipulation (I mean that technically, not in a charged way) is .. missing a step?

the desire might be to *see* the delta around me. the inhabited practice might be to become the kind of thing that experiences it around me. become the negative interface for it, so that the world can fill in its own content across that edge on its own terms. write myself to change myself (like I'm doing now), let the world keep on writing itself.

yes this is just "be the change you want to see in the world", just arriving at it from a "protect the world from my assumptions about implementation" angle

***

I felt absolutely electric for most of today.

I'm writing from 6:21pm, after napping for an hour so with Abe. We chatted a bit on waking; I've been itching to have like a focused business-stuff session with him, he wondered if it was time. I didn't want to before the nap, not with that much energy in my system.

Me earlier to my sister Hannah:

> I feel absolutely electric - so rather than being the electricity I’m being the ground for it, letting it move through while I stay steady/clear/clean
>
> I do feel like if I took two steps in a row I’d take off sprinting
>
> I am not a sprinter :)
>
> so I am being me and letting the sprinting energy move through to find its sprinter

Something I sent Abe earlier in the day:

> hypervisor
>
> maintain the space, then participate in the space, but separate those executive functions. explicitly code-switch.
>
> you have adhd. cool. the space between all the individuals in the space may or may not. you can use your adhd to maintain the space, but don’t give the space adhd. your personal adhd is *a* participant in the space, it’s not the conductor of the space’s activities.

He asked, before the nap, if I wanted to control what he was doing. I recognized the question as a sort of cautious check-the-backstop kind of question; and no, I didn't, and don't. :) Not at all. Said so.

Something I realized *right* at that moment that I haven't told him yet: his ADHD context-switching is a recursive process, and we don't need to *stop* it from happening - a recursive process can be used to moderate itself. I bet his ADHD context-switching will let him jump *between* space-maintenance and space-participation. Right now it looks (from here, could be wrong) like he's treating those as the same context. Splitting them, so it's two roles he jumps between, ... that might Just Work. :D

Anyway yeah - post-nap I feel something like commencement? I've never felt like raising a glass in celebration before. I feel like that here. :) Like, *fuck*, finally. It feels like getting out of high school. I did *not* know to anticipate this.

What happens next feels greenfield. :)))))

***

Quiet hours with Abe on the couch tonight. I feel, yeah, like I'm done with study and it's on to applied stuff. I wonder if in a sense our life-building together, Abe's and mine, got to a point where the *next* point was only possible if I paused to develop my process into legibility, or to develop the legibility of my process, one of the two, or both.

I recognized earlier tonight that I'm used to designing things that are meant to be weightless *constructed in conditions of gravity*, and now that I'm no longer in gravity I gotta remember not to *assume* gravity the next time I perform construction. Like, Abe, for example, is not an orthogonal plane. From my perspective, we're floating together, making things that hold themselves together.

I asked him make a list of thing that are, for him, not weightless, and a list of things that are. Took a second for me to remember not to interpret the valence of the list items but to examine the operational shape of each one, like the physics of how each one exists for Abe, the way that they aren't (or are)... hm. minding their own business, maybe.

I really like this work. :) I'm really looking forward to seeing his list through to relief with him, one mutative tsort-step at a time.