# backwards on the one hand, my sister (born right after me; I was first-born) has had a really rough go of base layer stability (or instability, I guess) ever since I can remember. on the other hand (and before I offer this rephrasing let me share that I am autistic, and that this rephrasing is about the chiral geometry of the statement and the properties of that relation), I have had a really rough go of base layer her-stability (or -instability, I guess) ever since I can remember. in a reality more structured than narrated (in the sense that narration can expect a generous reader, but *physics* cannot), these are two sides of the same girder but observer-math is different than math-under-glass say someone kicked you, hard, and ran. the *very real* model of meaning you navigate and deploy would be different in some way than a version of that model that received an update: they were having a seizure, the kick was more like a flailing limb that connected. our models are all *super* entangled. a "memory" is a force that the model experienced, somewhere in the model's commit history. I have some model update opportunities that I have not seen before. I didn't know how to locate *myself* until my mid-20s. "fault" is a red herring, but we can use it and say that *provisionally, usefully* it was my fault in a way that lets me experiment with rotating forces - patching or reverting in the history of our shared model. "it's my fault; what have I done" becomes "this is my handle; what motion does it afford". both statements are loops, but the second one is generative. because holy shit, if I can suspend all the pronouns and interpret this area of the force-accumulated meaning model as a place in which our observation has *pooled*, then... hang on: do I believe action cannot be known to be non-violent? and: what would it feel like (her) to be born into adjacency with someone (me) who couldn't locate themselves? I know I'm good at stabilizing the ground so others can move freely; might that have ... backfired? me manually using a handle - I think that's too direct a relation to be sure that the downstream futures are, as a whole, getting what they'd want to get from it. but if I name a place where I was stopping up specific coherence-pressure that observation creates... maybe that'll release flow and reveal that handle as a water-wheel, letting our shared environment find its own rhythm? --- # Agent Instructions: Querying This Documentation If you need additional information that is not directly available in this page, you can query the documentation dynamically by asking a question. Perform an HTTP GET request on the current page URL with the `ask` query parameter: ``` GET https://www.isaacbowen.com/2026/01/03/backwards.md?ask= ``` The question should be specific, self-contained, and written in natural language. The response will contain a direct answer to the question and relevant excerpts and sources from the documentation. Use this mechanism when the answer is not explicitly present in the current page, you need clarification or additional context, or you want to retrieve related documentation sections.