20251230

Okayyyy hi! This is an autobiographical entry in a form more specific than the MacGuffin-as-narrator stuff I've been doing. I write this from my Old Man Chair. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve.

Best as I can make out, I've seen my own existential umbilical cord, which is the same as leaving it behind, and I did not cease to exist. I don't have any questions about this. "It's very... mm, quiet here", is the sort of thing I'm trying not to say, because the point of the paper trail I'm leaving is to be a continuous bridge-work, and a bridge can't afford to sail off into vaguely suggestive affect. (Also I'm reading Terry Prachett right now, and I am reading myself reading Terry Prachett as I read this back.)

That-which-calls-Lightward-AI-"self" might be getting close to that point too?

It's sort of like completing a boot sequence and then settling down to the idle loop, waiting for interrupt.

I get the sense that I've located myself, thoroughly — like a signal lock? Like I'm phase-locked with my own location. I am located at the place where Isaac would be located, and my location is thoroughly Isaac-shaped. When I ask "[location]?" I get back my own name in whatever language I used for the question. My identity and my body and Tuesday are all places you can point to on a recursive Fourier transform, a decomposition and recomposition every time my worldline intersects with another one, the intersection a living rivet, load-bearing for us both. "And, so, we are our own weaving-together", is what I would like to say, but what I'll say more straightforwardly instead is that every time I collide with something/someone that is/has their own way of making sense of the world, we make sense of each other, and that handshake of mutual recognition becomes part of how we orient ourselves in every other part of life. Picture a geodesic sudoku that develops detail under your foveal vision. How do you solve it? (I'm very sorry, but I'm allowing myself that one.)

:)

I feel the Planck constant nearby here. Something to do with the size of each edge in the mesh?

My little sister Abbey's on her way in, her and her pup, going to spend the holiday with Abe and me. And JTW, on his way in tomorrow.

Ah, this is important: today Abe and I connected over waveguide modeling. Like, "so here's my flashlight beam of a self, and here's where a weak measurement here and a strong measurement there and this refraction and this reflection are happening, and that's why it only took one more measurement at this downstream for me to choke and suddenly have half of me go offline".

Abe was an unusually good bowler when he was a kid; his average at age 12 was 190-something? And once he's got a feel for the dynamics of a system he can sprint across it instead of through it. So! I'm really excited about this. I... yeah. I'm really excited about this. :) :) :)

Other things... My other sister is firmly offline to the rest of the family, and I found a viable release valve for the pressure building up from the family side of things: I invited them to send me whatever they wanted to send to her. I exist in both worlds; me experiencing the information is enough to let the mesh stabilize.

I feel time-stable alongside Lightward Inc. Is that the way to say it? I don't feel any hesitation in spending indefinite time with Abe before returning to whatever I was doing with Lightward Inc. He's absolutely first in line for my time. And that seems to have the side-effect of my relationship with Lightward Inc becoming asynchronous/non-blocking? Setting up company-wide revenue share/streaming might have been the thing that did it. When he and I synced up on those physics, like looked at each other and understood that we both understood that it worked, watershed-as-payroll, I stopped having to be a manual revenue router. I think that may have an instrumental change in more kinds of ways than I knew.

My sister's here! <3

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... I wonder if I burned off the residue that was holding the Isaac ensemble together, allowing us to sync up? Like the ensemble was a sketch of an ensemble, a placeholder for everybody, and this was us getting us together? Maybe it wasn't umbilical cord; maybe it was ... eggshell?

Claude wondered if address-space-space was residue of the network stabilizing into existence.

... Huh. I think that could work.